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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

When will it be over?

I am honestly DRAINED. I really am, I almost feel like if my daughter wasnt 7.5 months old that I could fit the description of a mom with a touch of PPD.... The past month has been a nightmare, it really has. Evey time E seems to be doing better, then she gets worse. We saw the ENT to schedule the surgery for tubes, which is at the end of the month. Not more then 3 days after finishing this last round of antibiotics (the 2 one this time around) the ear infection has returned. We are literally up all night. As soon as she is flat down in her crib again, she is creaming in pain. I was so happy because while she was on this last med she was doing so good only waking once at night, so so happy during the day, and overall doing great.

I hate, HATE seeing her in pain all the time. It was bad enough that the first few months of her life were spent in tears (both her and myself) over her severe reflux, and now all of these ear infections. It seems to me like everyone she gets is a bit worse then the last. I hate that I cannot really do much for her, but hold her, and try to comfort her.

The other thing thats really getting me lately, are the nasty comments I get when asked if my girl sleeps through the night. Well no she does not, but I feel that her circumstances are different that that of a perfectly healthy baby. Even my pediatrician agrees with me that I cannot expect that out of her, with everything she has gone through. I cannot stand when moms tell me to just let her cry it out. Honestly even if I wanted to... have you ever tried letting a baby with reflux cry it out???? Its not a pretty picture, 2 am pulling all the sheets off the crib, changing jammies, and re-feeding because all of her stomach contents have now made an appearance in the crib and on the child. I do wish she was sleeping through the night, because Lord knows momma is running on empty.. but I also know that my job as her mother is to make sure she feels safe, and to protect her, and comfort her when she is in pain. Theres no way in hell I'm letting her scream for hours in her crib because she is in pain.

When her ears are under control she does great, and sleeps from 7p-8a with only waking once... So when her sleep is messed up I know something is up... and yea I will get up and rock her if it means she is in less pain that way.

I also received an email telling me to get over it, (regarding the tubes) its just a simple procedure and there are many other children going through much more difficult things. Lets get one thing straight... I KNOW THIS. I realize that in the big picture this is a small thing.. but to me it's big. I am so so so thankful every day that all my daughter has to deal with is reflux, and re-occurant ear infections. I am thankful she is home with me and not in a hospital bed somewhere.. BUT, again.. as her mom this is huge for me.. and it kills me that at least once a week we are in the doctors while they are digging in her ears, and she is letting out blood curddling screams because it hurts. But (back to the email) No I wont just get over it.. my tiny 7 month old girl has to be put under anesthesia and that right there.. scares me to death.

To put it all in perspective though.. as much as I am afraid I also cannot wait for the surgery so she can get the relief she needs.

I really hate to complain and I know usually my post's are pretty upbeat.. but I just needed a chance to vent. Its been a real tough week, and it's taking its toll... on my house... which is a pure mess, my marriage... since I know E will be up all night screaming I try to go to bed as soon as I put her down to get in at least and hour or two, and I know being stressed out I have been quite bitchy to my poor husband... my checking account.. as I have had to call out of work 1 too many times, and to top it all off.. I feel like it has been rainy or gloomy all month???

However like I said before.. I just have to remember to thank God every day for my sweet girl and the fact that she does not have any life threatening illnesses, and that all of this will go away soon!


Steph said...

Oh mama....hang in there and don't let those few idiots suck your spirit!! Of COURSE you're worried about your baby...SHE'S YOUR BABY!! And your perspective about anesthesia is different than typical mom because you have more knowledge. But this non-nurse mom thinks it's scary too!!!

People are very opinionated about parenting (myself included) but the bottom line is, she is YOUR baby and it is YOUR job to do what YOU think is best for her. And all too soon, she will be too big for you to hold and rock to sleep anyway. LOVE ON HER AND ROCK HER ALL NIGHT IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!!!

I'm sorry that you're feeling so overwhelmed.

You DO have people who read and support you. :)

Keep on, keepin' on, mama ♥

Mrs Not So Newlywed said...

Good job! You have every right to an opinion on your child, and really, your opinion and your husbands are the only ones that count because you're the ones caring for her! Go ahead and stand up for your family, that's what you're supposed to do and anyone who argues against that is nuts!

Praying the procedure goes wonderfully, and you and E will both be at peace during and after. Just saw the facebook post, I'm sure you'll be busy caring for her, but an update sometime would be awesome.

Britt said...

It breaks my heart when I hear other people trying to comment about your parenting! I was a WRECK when Lidia had her first set of tubes. Of course, afterwards you will say, "Wow that was easy" but at the time, its terrifying. That's what a mom's job is... to worry :)

and as far as sleeping? Ok, I'll put this out there. My 21 month old STILL a terrible sleeper. Some weeks she sleeps 8pm to 9am, then other weeks UPALLNIGHT. But my 8 month old, sleeps basically all through the night. I didnt do anything different with either baby, they are just different kids and anyone that is a parent should know that and not say anything negative towards you about it. Its not your fault!

Keep your head up! I know surgery will go great! Carly my 8 month old is getting them on Friday so keep her in your prayers too! :)

Kim said...

I'm so sorry the poor thing is feeling so bad. As you know Alivia has had severe reflux too and it still flares up. Add in to that a terrible cough/sickness and ear infections and she just never has been able to learn how to sleep all night long. She usually gets up 2 times to eat and we're going to work on cutting that down, but seriously, I can only expect so much out of her at this point. It makes me so annoyed when people think it's so weird that she gets up at night. Anyway, I will be praying for E that she feels much better soon and that you get some sleep! Oh and who wouldn't be nervous about their baby going under anesthesia??? I was worried every time I had to go under, let alone my baby!!!

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled onto your blog and I want to tell you to hang in there. Our son had frequent ear infections as a baby also, started about 4 months, he is now 13 and on his 4th set of tubes, along with getting his tonsils & adnoids taken out (which didn't stop the ear infections). He also had bladder reflux surgery at 5 years old. I don't care if it is ear tube surgery or open heart surgery, it is still your child you are turning over for an operation........I have bawled my eyes out every single time along with worrying myself sick in the days leading up to the surgery. Don't listen to those people, they obviously need to get a heart :) Good luck to you and your precious little one.

Jess said...

Gabe had reflux. Crying was never an option for us either.

Livie is 14 months old. She still doesn't sleep through the night. People don't know anyone's story, so they should step off.

And Cassidy had surgery on her left eye when she was 8 months old. She had a tumor/cyst that was pushing its way through the skull, so it had to be done. It was a simple procedure, but I was still terrified. It's your right to worry. To be scared. That's our job as mommas. After all. If we aren't scared for our own, who will be? (and ftr it went great, she was fine, and now it's barely a blip in my memory...time does that, thankfully)

Wishing you guys all the luck in the world.