I am honestly DRAINED. I really am, I almost feel like if my daughter wasnt 7.5 months old that I could fit the description of a mom with a touch of PPD.... The past month has been a nightmare, it really has. Evey time E seems to be doing better, then she gets worse. We saw the ENT to schedule the surgery for tubes, which is at the end of the month. Not more then 3 days after finishing this last round of antibiotics (the 2 one this time around) the ear infection has returned. We are literally up all night. As soon as she is flat down in her crib again, she is creaming in pain. I was so happy because while she was on this last med she was doing so good only waking once at night, so so happy during the day, and overall doing great.
I hate, HATE seeing her in pain all the time. It was bad enough that the first few months of her life were spent in tears (both her and myself) over her severe reflux, and now all of these ear infections. It seems to me like everyone she gets is a bit worse then the last. I hate that I cannot really do much for her, but hold her, and try to comfort her.
The other thing thats really getting me lately, are the nasty comments I get when asked if my girl sleeps through the night. Well no she does not, but I feel that her circumstances are different that that of a perfectly healthy baby. Even my pediatrician agrees with me that I cannot expect that out of her, with everything she has gone through. I cannot stand when moms tell me to just let her cry it out. Honestly even if I wanted to... have you ever tried letting a baby with reflux cry it out???? Its not a pretty picture, 2 am pulling all the sheets off the crib, changing jammies, and re-feeding because all of her stomach contents have now made an appearance in the crib and on the child. I do wish she was sleeping through the night, because Lord knows momma is running on empty.. but I also know that my job as her mother is to make sure she feels safe, and to protect her, and comfort her when she is in pain. Theres no way in hell I'm letting her scream for hours in her crib because she is in pain.
When her ears are under control she does great, and sleeps from 7p-8a with only waking once... So when her sleep is messed up I know something is up... and yea I will get up and rock her if it means she is in less pain that way.
I also received an email telling me to get over it, (regarding the tubes) its just a simple procedure and there are many other children going through much more difficult things. Lets get one thing straight... I KNOW THIS. I realize that in the big picture this is a small thing.. but to me it's big. I am so so so thankful every day that all my daughter has to deal with is reflux, and re-occurant ear infections. I am thankful she is home with me and not in a hospital bed somewhere.. BUT, again.. as her mom this is huge for me.. and it kills me that at least once a week we are in the doctors while they are digging in her ears, and she is letting out blood curddling screams because it hurts. But (back to the email) No I wont just get over it.. my tiny 7 month old girl has to be put under anesthesia and that right there.. scares me to death.
To put it all in perspective though.. as much as I am afraid I also cannot wait for the surgery so she can get the relief she needs.
I really hate to complain and I know usually my post's are pretty upbeat.. but I just needed a chance to vent. Its been a real tough week, and it's taking its toll... on my house... which is a pure mess, my marriage... since I know E will be up all night screaming I try to go to bed as soon as I put her down to get in at least and hour or two, and I know being stressed out I have been quite bitchy to my poor husband... my checking account.. as I have had to call out of work 1 too many times, and to top it all off.. I feel like it has been rainy or gloomy all month???
However like I said before.. I just have to remember to thank God every day for my sweet girl and the fact that she does not have any life threatening illnesses, and that all of this will go away soon!