I have recorded many of Emmalines journeys, struggles, victories, accomplishments, and just plain old stats.. more recently I have started writing her letters, of things that I think of now, issues that are on my heart, that I don't want to forget to tell her about.. here is one of them.
You truly are my heart, There is not a breath that leaves my body that doesn't in some form call out to you, whether it be of protection, or comfort, or love, or excitement... some even sighs of relief when I call the babysitter to make sure your doing good without me there with you. Sure I love you with all my heart, and want to be there with you every second of the day, but its healthy for mommy to enjoy adult time too. Don't you even think for one second that thoughts of you are not with me when im away from you. We have become some of the bestest of friends, we do so much together, and I love sharing special moments with you. Now that you are getting bigger those moments the ones I want to cherish and savor forever have become fewer then I would have hoped. On the rare occasion you do not leap for your crib after finishing your bedtime bottle, and actually fall asleep on my shoulder I try to close my eyes and just enjoy it, take it all in, so that in years from now I may be able to recall what your skin smelled like, or the softness of your lips as you sweetly inhaled and exhaled as you drift of to sleep. I love this job of being a parent, your parent more then anything else in all the world. I longed for the day I would hold you in my arms and know you were mine. Along with this fulfilling job of being your parent comes alot of new emotions some I was ready for and others not at all. I now carry a very heightened sense of awareness with me, I am always double checking things, the temp of your bottle, the tightness of your carseat restraint, the amount of time since your last sunscreen application. I also think of more important things then just the last time I slathered lotion that smelled of pina colada on you. Ever since having you I have realized just how dark and bitter this world can be. I sometimes think of all the things I could possibly do to keep you safe, extra measures I should be taking to prevent accidents. I have to reassure myself that I'm doing a good job, and I cannot protect you from everything even though I would like to. I cant even bring myself to think about the first time you really do hurt yourself, Im sure there will be many skinned knees, stitches and ER trips... if your anything like your mama that is. No matter who your like, or what you become, or the paths your choose for yourself.. I always want you to know how important you are to me. I could never imagine life without you, you are sunshine on a cloudy day, you are warmth during a blizzard, you are the soft breeze that carries the whispers through the daisies. I'm sure there will come a day when you do not like me the way you do now, when you are convinced I am only out to spoil your fun, take away your privileges, and cause you to loose friends.........and .. at some point in your life I may be doing every one of those things.. but I will be doing them in the same light I do things now, to protect you, comfort you, and to lead you down a successful path.
I love you more then anything, always have always will.............Mama